If I could write a letter

Dear Leah

This is not an easy letter to write. I am more than twice your age but am I so different to you? I don’t know any 16 year olds. But I knew you once.

I have discovered many things in my life, about family, love and death. About myself. The journey is so rich. But I don’t have all the answers.

I know you are under a dense shadow. The blackness is pervasive. It blocks everything else out. Your mum and sister are faded, peripheral to you. Your grief is self-centred. I know your desperation, your emptiness. Your anger. I know.

I know how much you can love. How you put a dozen photos of your dad on your wall.  A reflection of your documentary zeal. A loving memorial. Only to take them all down a week later. The first of many…putting away. Putting away the past, putting away your dad. Hiding your tears. I know it was easier to pretend he never existed then accept he was gone. The shock of your beautiful family of four, becoming three. Without your permission.

Your beautiful dad. I knew him too. He loved you, all of you.

I so want to help you. If I was there I would hug you. But I know you might not let me. I’d scream and cry with you, we could throw things, throw cartwheels, dance like crazy, and laugh at ourselves. I know how creative you are. How many poems and stories you write. How you ask, why? I would write with you. We could try to find answers together.  

I know you never got to say goodbye. Whisper it to him now. Say goodbye a hundred times. Tell him everything you are feeling and how much you miss him. Never stop talking to him.

I am so grateful you met your boyfriend, how he holds you, while you cry and cry. He is young, but he knows to do this instinctively. He never pushes you, but I know there is so much you want to tell him, and your mum and your sister, but your throat is constricted. You can’t breathe. I know you dream of silent screams. What can I say to release you?

I am so proud of you, how you front up to school each day, where he used to teach. How you look towards the science department, how you can’t bring yourself to go there. How you look towards the teachers car park, where you would meet and drive home together. You were so happy in his company.

They have built a memorial garden for him. You pass it each day. People seem a little wary of you, they don’t know what to say. You are barely aware. You are empty. You have put walls all around you.

I worry about you, you see, how you are burying it all inside. Deep in your belly. Creating a hard place there. All your fears will grow from such a place.

If I was there I would lead you to your mum, and make you hold her hand. You feel so alone, but she is there. Your mum and your sister know. They feel it too. I need you to open your eyes and see them. How can I convince you that you are not alone?

I want to say to you, that however you’re feeling, it’s ok, you fight through this any way you can. There is no template. No right way. All I can promise you is that it will get better.

One day you will remember your dad with a smile, instead of angry tears. You will think how very lucky you were to know someone like him. How knowing him has helped you to live a beautiful life. You have adventures ahead of you. You will be so loved, and you will deserve to be loved. I promise.

I know you loved your dad with every cell in your body. It was the most natural thing in the world. You had something very special. No-one can ever take that away.

Your dad is part of you, just like he is part of your beautiful mum and sister. You have his sensitivity, you have a little of his skepticism. You are drawn to science and nature and documenting the world, just like him. You are with him every day just by being you. He would be so proud of you.

You are beautiful and you are loved and you are not doing anything wrong. Keep feeling every moment with vivid clarity. Let it wash all over you. This is life. This is why we are here.

I love you. And I am thinking of you always.

LC